At this point I’m just forcing myself to do this, I have to. I feel absolutely no motivation to blog every week, let alone every day, no motivation to do homework, no motivation to sit at a desk and input checks, or make spreadsheets for the finance team. In looking back I wish I was more closely connected at this point, I wish my relationships were deeper. I can’t do another crappy week like this one. Part of me just wants to start over right now, in a new place with new people, part of me is absolutely terrified of leaving the familiar, the people I love, my church and I feel like I’m clinging to the ground for dear life while time is swiftly dragging me towards the edge of a very high cliff. And the rest of me just wants to crawl into a comfortable hole and sleep, and not have to interact with another human being for a really long time.
I keep hearing the words to a song my friend recommended to me, which I was listening to last night: “Thy will be done, thy will be done like a child on my knees all that comes to me is, Thy will be done, thy will be done…” even though this isn’t all that comes to me. All that comes to me when I’m on my knees is a lot of questions, a lot of tears, a lot of complaining about and asking why I’m 31 and still struggle with a lot of the fears and insecurities that I have. But I want to be saying ‘Thy will be done’ to every situation, every time I’m struggling, in every major and minor decision I have to make. The song also says ‘Sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you’re God and I am not.’ That hits hard with me because I want to have all the control over my life, I often want to be God, and determine when things happen, and how, in what ways and with whom I deal with the brokenness in my life. But I AM NOT! So I have to keep trusting in God, even if sometimes it’s just words I’m saying and I am not there yet, but I want to be, so I need to ask God for an increased measure of faith to put my life in his hands every day.